Identity Crisis and Reoccuring Doubt

Its 6months after the birth of my first child and I still don't know know where I'm at. To be honest I'm not entirely sure how to reconcile the new mother me, new wife me and the old pre-baby me. 

 Its not about wanting to go out all night partying (it was never my scene anyways) or live a life without responsibilities even though thats what my twenties age is for. Its more about matching up my preconceived ideas of motherhood with the reality of it all, and it has given me a smalll identity crisis.

 Maybe when Im 30 something I'll have figured it out and I'll be more comfortable in the shoes I wear. 

 Motherhood 

 Coming to terms with the fact that a little person's life depends on me is overwhelming. Its hard and bliss at the same time. I wake up every morning look into my son's eyes thats gives me purpose. Being so young I have to deal with criticism from everyone who has been on the road of motherhood before me. How do I deal with that? I've learnt to go with my instinct when it comes to whats good for my son. Its really true, motherly instinct really do kick in. 

 Relationship 

 Melo's dad is a great guy( YES THAT'S MY SON'S NAME), I thank God everyday for blessing me with such a beautiful soul. But no one is perfect and he is far from it. We had a great relationship, we were able to work through anything and we have have been through a lot together. I sometimes sit and think I've been through so much with this guy but will that really matter when the tough gets going. We have both changed a lot(growing up does that to people) my identity crisis makes it difficult for me to understand half the things he does sometimes because I'm in a different space and mindset than him.


Im in a relationship that is generally sweet, solid, and good. I love him a lot, we share lots of values. But I also have this nagging feeling that though things aren't bad, they're not good either -- that we're not close in certain ways I want to be, that I might be happier in another situation, and that because of being with him, I might be unhappy and lonely in low-grade ways. 

Here's how the cycle of doubt looks. We'll be going along happily until something small will happen that sets off some doubts.¹ For two or three days I'll try to suppress them as my internal worries grow.² I'll feel increasingly afraid that I've been living in denial about problems. I'll have a heart-sinking feeling that maybe we shouldn't be together and think "how can I be serious about this relationship when _____?"³ Then I'll talk to him about the issue,⁴ and we'll resolve to try to improve it somehow. With that out in the open and hopefully on the road to improvement, I'll feel closer to him, and we'll get back into our daily groove for the next three weeks or so, until this happens again.
1. eg, at a wedding, I’ll enjoy talking with the other people more than with him
2. eg, I’ll think about the frustrations I know I have with our conversations (interruptions, him not really paying attention), and then I'll start to think about what all that might add up to
3. “…when we don’t even have good conversation? That’s a huge part of everyday life!”
4. say, the next time he responds distractedly, I’ll let on that it really annoyed me, and that will lead to a conversation about the bigger concern
I want to stop this cycle of doubt somehow and be more constant and happy. I often find myself listening to my friend Nhlanhla complaining about how unhappy she is in her relationship and how she ended up falling in love with another  guy because of this reoccurring doubt she had experienced in her relationship with her man and I think to myself I DONT WANT THAT TO BE ME ....I realize relationships have ups and downs, but I'd like to keep them from rattling me so much. I don't like feeling so unsettled, and I don't like unsettling him. I'd like to stop this cycle of doubt and either really commit to this relationship to working out my own emotional battles. 

I love him, he loves me. We both love our son more than anything in this entire world and we'll do anything to make sure he's happy. We have worked through bigger emotional problems. I put my relationship and life in God's hands thats how I know we'll be fine.


PS: I LOVE YOU BABE 

*sigh**** I hope I figure it one day, sooner rather than later....