Loosing myself into Motherhood

 I can’t pinpoint the moment I felt it, and I don’t know when it began.

But what I know is that somewhere between holding my first-born baby boy and those sleepless nights trying to get him to sleep, I forgot who I was. I got lost in motherhood, and while the swim is precious and beautiful and life-giving, I’m not sure how to find my way to the oxygen-filled space that I used to occupy. You know, that time, that space where you had room to breathe? When life wasn’t all sleepless nights and diapers and nursing and…responsibility. I mean, we’re talking about a soul here, that is in my charge. That’s heavy. And I am so ill-equipped! I’m painfully selfish, and I really love to sleep. And yet, I’m a mom. Of the most beautiful person I've ever met. Who has a soul and who depends on me for food and care and life.That kind of responsibility.

Which I love, by the way. I love being a mother, truly. I think my boy is a stellar little person (most of time, except for when his sin-natures rear his uncivilized head…which is every 15 minutes…which is just like me, too). But seriously, I have always wanted to be a mother. The thing is, I’m not a natural at it, and I learned through these 11 months of parenting that just because you love something doesn’t mean it will come naturally or easily to you. And no one tells you that somewhere in the midst of it all, you will start disappearing and some sweat pants wearing, greasy face, stringy hair someone who resembles you will take your place. Body snatchers, motherhood style…minus the style, of course. Because that went with the sweats.

So that oxygen-filled space where you were becoming, that spirit which filled-out your un-stretch-marked skin – where is she? Does she exist anymore or do you make room for a hybrid you?

Here’s what I’m thinking… “Can I become a new version of ME?” 

I think that’s it. I'm not only looking for a new version of who I was, but I have the opportunity to grow into one. I'm a mother, and that makes up so much of who I am; my child is a part of my very being, so it changes me in deep ways, and that’s okay. But now I have this gift, this new version of myself that is beautiful and undeniable and just waiting to be explored.

I have said so many times that I feel like I’m a shell of the woman I once was, and it depressed me. But now I’m feeling like, yea, good, because I’m shedding old skin and transforming and becoming into new skin; I am evolving into a new version of the woman God knit together; it’s a stretching and a turning as new colors emerge. I’m figuring it all out new; I’m figuring me out new. And I am so unbelievably good with that. 

So friend, if you are feeling a little rocked by motherhood and are wondering who you are, hang in there. You are there; you are more than then the daily-ness of it all. You are not lost, you just need to stretch into the new version of who you already are. Let it be fun and exciting, this exploration of you again. Bring your kids and your husband along for the ride. And for the love of God, don’t give into the mom jeans buy some skinny jeans instead and bring that sexy back.

Keep on

Dirty Laundry Dished Out

I don't know how many of y'all have actually paid attention to Kelly Rowland's song Dirty Laundry from the album Talk A Good Game. It has a catchy title thats actually what drew me to listen to it and analyse the lyrics. 

In the song Kelly touches on everything from her envy of Beyonce's fame, to the abusive relationship with what the song timeline seems to be revealing to be ex-fiance NFL Player Roy William( although Im not 100% sure) 

Kelly revealed that she was somewhat lost after departing from Destiny's Child and witnessing her "sister" Beyonce collosal fame while she was struggling in the music industry.

While my sister was on stage, killing it like a motherfucker

I was enraged, feeling it like a motherfucker

Bird in a cage, you would never know what I was dealing with

Went out separate ways, but I was happy she was killing it

Bittersweet, she was up, I was down

No lie, I feel good for her, but what do I do now?

 Following Beyonce's rises to fame from the group's single  "Survivor" Kelly entered an abusive relationship that was overshadowed by other happenings . Which also highlights a problem that other women face. Finding themselves in abusive relationships but being able to talk to anyone because they ashamed or in most cases think they have everything under control.

Off the record, I was going through some bullshit

Post-survivor, she on fire, who wanna hear my bullshit?

Meanwhile, this nigga putting his hands on me

        Swear y'all don't know the half of this industry

Kelly also reveals that she hid the abuse of her relationship from everyone for nearly a decade. Kelly then decided to leave following what seemed to be a domestic dispute that promoted her to call Beyonce who told her to leave him. Kelly also expresses gratitude  for Beyonce's fame keeping her dysfunctional life in the shadows.

And it's almost been a decade

I'm behind them black shades

Roll up like it's all good, right up out that Escalade

Fix my make-up, "get it together, Kelly, get it together"

Then we make up, "well get it together, nigga, get it together"

Kinda lucky, I was in her shadow

Phone call from my sister, "what's the matter?"

She said, "Oh no, baby - you gotta leave!"

I'm on the kitchen floor - he took the keys

I was mad at everybody, I mean everybody

Yeah, her, her, her her everybody

Five years later, I got my shit down pat

Think I had it good, and they don't know how bad

Fooled everybody, except myself

                  Soaking in this hurt, bathing in the dirt

                          Lets do this dirty laundry

But later she returned to the abusive cycle and kept the happenings under wraps, lying to everyone about what was going on within the confines of their shared home. 

So here I am in the spin cycle

We're coming and we're going

Nobody can know this

And I was trapped in his house, lying to my mama

Thought it could get no worse as we maximize the drama

Started to call them people on him

I was battered

He hitting the window like it was me, until it shattered

He pulled me out, he said, "Don't nobody love you but me

Not your mama, not your daddy and especially not B"

He turned me against my sister
I missed you

And to close off the emotional track, Kelly reveals she was secluded from Beyonce during the abuse because the aggressor manipulated her and turned her against her family.

I posted a link to the song so you can have a listen. ENJOY!

https://soundcloud.com/kellyrowlandofficial/dirty-laundry

Knowing When To Leave

At this point I feel rather blank, emotionless and numb. I don't know whether I'm expecting too much or I don't know what I want. But in actual fact I do know what I want. I want to be happy. I've been too unhappy for too long. Im tired of being strong and bottling things up and hoping it will all be okay one day because "one day is too many days away". 

Its so easy for me to sit and listen to people tell me about their relationship problems and give them advice because in everyone's eyes I have the most perfect relationship. Atlease thats what it looks like from the outside but inside there is an emotional struggle that I myself can't even explain. Its bigger than me. Its even more difficult because I can't voice out all these emotions Im feeling. Feelings of resentment, feeling unappreciated, feeling unnoticed, feeling unpretty and my own insecurities.

I realised that a long term relationship can elevate you to new heights and then drag you down into the dumps. My relationship is pretty good, like a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10. I often finding myself questioning whether I should stay openly committed to that relationship for life? Or should I leave and look for something better, something that could become even better? The fear of not ever finding something that is half as good always seems to ground me along with the fact that I love this man and I want the best possible life for my son. Its a dreadful state to be in. I'm simply aren’t sure one way or the other. Maybe what you we is good enough and I’d be a fool to abandon it in search of a new relationship I may never find. Or maybe I'm seriously holding myself back from finding a truly fulfilling relationship that would serve me well the rest of my life. Its a tough call....

When I find myself deep in thought. I pull out my pen and paper and I start to weighing the pros and cons which isn't  always a logical solution. There will be pros and cons in every relationship, so how do I know if ours are fatal or tolerable or even wonderful? The cons tell me to leave, while the pros tell me to stay. Im often required to predict future pros and cons, but how am I going to predict the future of your relationship?  i leave it all up to God. He’s the only who will say if our problems are temporary or permanent?

I was watching Oprah Winfrey once and they had a relationship expert in the show talking about long term relationships and I remembered to google the title of the book the expert talked about on the show and I got a few pointers on how to diagnose my relationship... These below I found very useful in my introspection ... Take sometime to go throughout the questions if you find yourself in doubt........

1. If God or some divine being told you it was OK to leave your relationship, would you feel relieved that you could finally leave? If your religion is the only reason you’re still together, your relationship is already long dead. Drop the self-torturing beliefs and choose happiness. Living together physically but not in your heart isn’t going to fool any divine being anyway, nor is it likely to fool anyone else around you. Leave the hypocrisy behind, and take off.
2. Are you able to get your needs met in the relationship without too much difficulty? If it takes too much effort to get your needs met, then your relationship is doing you more harm than good. Leave.
3. Do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to genuinely like you? If you don’t mutually like each other, you don’t belong together.
4. Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to your partner? If there’s no spark, there’s no point in staying.
5. Does your partner exhibit any behavior that makes the relationship too difficult for you to stay in, and do you find your partner is either unwillingor incapable of changing? Results matter far more than intentions. If your partner behaves in a way that’s intolerable to you, then permanent change is a must, or you need to leave. Example: “Quit smoking for good in 30 days, or I’m gone.” Trying to tolerate the intolerable will only erode your self-esteem, and you’ll see yourself as stronger in the past than in the present.
6. Do you see yourself when you look in your partner’s eyes? A metaphor… if you don’t sense a strong compatibility with your partner, you’re better off with someone else.
7. Do you and your partner each respect each other as individuals? No mutual respect = time to leave.
8. Does your partner serve as an important resource for you in a way that you care about? If your partner does little to enhance your life and you wouldn’t lose anything important to you by leaving, then leave. You’ll break even by being on your own and gain tremendously by finding someone else who is a resource to you.
9. Does your relationship have the demonstrated capacity for forgiveness? If you can’t forgive each other’s transgressions, then resentment will gradually replace love. Leave.
10. Do you and your partner have fun together? A relationship that’s no fun is dead. Leave.
11. Do you and your partner have mutual goals and dreams for your future together? If you aren’t planning to spend your future together, something’s terribly wrong. Take off

I hope you find the answers you looking for because I certainly have 

Horrible Boss

I think its safe to say that I have the worst manager in the world. At first I was excited by having a female manager but that was before I noticed what a bitch she can be at time.

I was very happy to be reunited with my colleagues after 4 long months of maternity leave when I first met her - THE PROJECT MANAGER.  Everybody was complaining about her attitude and bossiness. She struck me as a nice person, with a strong presence and personality. She asked me about my baby and she told me about hers, but little did I know that I was speaking to the devil herself.... 

Maybe you know the type: A boss so rigid, cold and lacking in emotional intelligence that he scarcely seems human. Or a manager who micromanages and criticizes you and everyone else constantly. Bosses like that can make you want to quit –throw them over the balcony or murder them. But hey I can't do that, I have bills to pay and  I don't think Melo will like seeing mommy in orange overalls, they won't look so good on me. Sometimes i just sit there and calmly listen to her while she tunes me crap. Meanwhile in my head this is really what I'm what saying and thinking : "I can see your point but I still think you full of shit" - "I have already visualised duct tape over your mouth" - "I don't know what your problem is but I'll bet its hard to pronounce".....  I thought I wanted a career but it turns out I just want a salary.

Although there are lots of fantastic bosses in the world, there are some that make you want to crawl back under your duvet and hide from the world. However, don't despair! There are ways to tackle horrible bosses - even the very difficult ones. 

1. Train your brain to scan for the good. Say three things you’re grateful for twenty-one days in a row and you can literally re-wire your brain to be more positive. Bursts of positivity can help you to think more intelligently and creatively, and work more productively. When we’re happy, you will work faster and more efficiently. 

2. Brighten your environment. Everything around you—from the color of your walls to the mood of your coworkers—affects the way you think and feel. Surround your desk with pictures and objects that prime you for positivity—your mood and your brain will thank you.

3. CURSE.  LOL not out loud but in your head. This should help you let out some steam. Take a walk, get some fresh air. Call a lover or friend and just curse the bitch out. LOL (this is my number one form of distressing)

On a more serious note, micromanaging has nothing to do with the quality of your work – it’s about your boss. They have a serious problem with handing over control and allowing you to get on with your work. In which case, feed the micromanager with what they want, before they ask for it. Every Monday morning, talk to your boss and tell them what you have planned for the week and then give them 'progress' updates as you go along. Reassure them by demonstrating that you're in control and the work is being carried out. Prove yourself, so to speak. If that doesn't work - talk to your boss. Let them know that you feel they're monitoring your work too closely and you work more effectively with more breathing space. 

Even though a bully can be scary, don't cower and avoid confrontation - speak up! Stand up to them and you might find that they back down and listen to you... even respect you. Remain calm and ask them not to yell or interrupt. Simply ask them if they can explain the problem. By staying professional you might also calm the situation. If all else fails, stay out of their way, do a good job and always be on time.

If all else fails, watch the movie Horrible Bosses for some tips on how to deal with your boss hahahahahahahah

Identity Crisis and Reoccuring Doubt

Its 6months after the birth of my first child and I still don't know know where I'm at. To be honest I'm not entirely sure how to reconcile the new mother me, new wife me and the old pre-baby me. 

 Its not about wanting to go out all night partying (it was never my scene anyways) or live a life without responsibilities even though thats what my twenties age is for. Its more about matching up my preconceived ideas of motherhood with the reality of it all, and it has given me a smalll identity crisis.

 Maybe when Im 30 something I'll have figured it out and I'll be more comfortable in the shoes I wear. 

 Motherhood 

 Coming to terms with the fact that a little person's life depends on me is overwhelming. Its hard and bliss at the same time. I wake up every morning look into my son's eyes thats gives me purpose. Being so young I have to deal with criticism from everyone who has been on the road of motherhood before me. How do I deal with that? I've learnt to go with my instinct when it comes to whats good for my son. Its really true, motherly instinct really do kick in. 

 Relationship 

 Melo's dad is a great guy( YES THAT'S MY SON'S NAME), I thank God everyday for blessing me with such a beautiful soul. But no one is perfect and he is far from it. We had a great relationship, we were able to work through anything and we have have been through a lot together. I sometimes sit and think I've been through so much with this guy but will that really matter when the tough gets going. We have both changed a lot(growing up does that to people) my identity crisis makes it difficult for me to understand half the things he does sometimes because I'm in a different space and mindset than him.


Im in a relationship that is generally sweet, solid, and good. I love him a lot, we share lots of values. But I also have this nagging feeling that though things aren't bad, they're not good either -- that we're not close in certain ways I want to be, that I might be happier in another situation, and that because of being with him, I might be unhappy and lonely in low-grade ways. 

Here's how the cycle of doubt looks. We'll be going along happily until something small will happen that sets off some doubts.¹ For two or three days I'll try to suppress them as my internal worries grow.² I'll feel increasingly afraid that I've been living in denial about problems. I'll have a heart-sinking feeling that maybe we shouldn't be together and think "how can I be serious about this relationship when _____?"³ Then I'll talk to him about the issue,⁴ and we'll resolve to try to improve it somehow. With that out in the open and hopefully on the road to improvement, I'll feel closer to him, and we'll get back into our daily groove for the next three weeks or so, until this happens again.
1. eg, at a wedding, I’ll enjoy talking with the other people more than with him
2. eg, I’ll think about the frustrations I know I have with our conversations (interruptions, him not really paying attention), and then I'll start to think about what all that might add up to
3. “…when we don’t even have good conversation? That’s a huge part of everyday life!”
4. say, the next time he responds distractedly, I’ll let on that it really annoyed me, and that will lead to a conversation about the bigger concern
I want to stop this cycle of doubt somehow and be more constant and happy. I often find myself listening to my friend Nhlanhla complaining about how unhappy she is in her relationship and how she ended up falling in love with another  guy because of this reoccurring doubt she had experienced in her relationship with her man and I think to myself I DONT WANT THAT TO BE ME ....I realize relationships have ups and downs, but I'd like to keep them from rattling me so much. I don't like feeling so unsettled, and I don't like unsettling him. I'd like to stop this cycle of doubt and either really commit to this relationship to working out my own emotional battles. 

I love him, he loves me. We both love our son more than anything in this entire world and we'll do anything to make sure he's happy. We have worked through bigger emotional problems. I put my relationship and life in God's hands thats how I know we'll be fine.


PS: I LOVE YOU BABE 

*sigh**** I hope I figure it one day, sooner rather than later....