I can’t pinpoint the moment I felt it, and I don’t know when it began.
But what I know is that somewhere between holding my first-born baby boy and those sleepless nights trying to get him to sleep, I forgot who I was. I got lost in motherhood, and while the swim is precious and beautiful and life-giving, I’m not sure how to find my way to the oxygen-filled space that I used to occupy. You know, that time, that space where you had room to breathe? When life wasn’t all sleepless nights and diapers and nursing and…responsibility. I mean, we’re talking about a soul here, that is in my charge. That’s heavy. And I am so ill-equipped! I’m painfully selfish, and I really love to sleep. And yet, I’m a mom. Of the most beautiful person I've ever met. Who has a soul and who depends on me for food and care and life.That kind of responsibility.
Which I love, by the way. I love being a mother, truly. I think my boy is a stellar little person (most of time, except for when his sin-natures rear his uncivilized head…which is every 15 minutes…which is just like me, too). But seriously, I have always wanted to be a mother. The thing is, I’m not a natural at it, and I learned through these 11 months of parenting that just because you love something doesn’t mean it will come naturally or easily to you. And no one tells you that somewhere in the midst of it all, you will start disappearing and some sweat pants wearing, greasy face, stringy hair someone who resembles you will take your place. Body snatchers, motherhood style…minus the style, of course. Because that went with the sweats.
So that oxygen-filled space where you were becoming, that spirit which filled-out your un-stretch-marked skin – where is she? Does she exist anymore or do you make room for a hybrid you?
Here’s what I’m thinking… “Can I become a new version of ME?”
I think that’s it. I'm not only looking for a new version of who I was, but I have the opportunity to grow into one. I'm a mother, and that makes up so much of who I am; my child is a part of my very being, so it changes me in deep ways, and that’s okay. But now I have this gift, this new version of myself that is beautiful and undeniable and just waiting to be explored.
I have said so many times that I feel like I’m a shell of the woman I once was, and it depressed me. But now I’m feeling like, yea, good, because I’m shedding old skin and transforming and becoming into new skin; I am evolving into a new version of the woman God knit together; it’s a stretching and a turning as new colors emerge. I’m figuring it all out new; I’m figuring me out new. And I am so unbelievably good with that.
So friend, if you are feeling a little rocked by motherhood and are wondering who you are, hang in there. You are there; you are more than then the daily-ness of it all. You are not lost, you just need to stretch into the new version of who you already are. Let it be fun and exciting, this exploration of you again. Bring your kids and your husband along for the ride. And for the love of God, don’t give into the mom jeans buy some skinny jeans instead and bring that sexy back.
Keep on
